Seeing Disrespect Where There Is None
The Generous Husband
Respect is a big deal to men in marriage. This is not wrong, but it can be a problem if a man sees his wife as being disrespectful when she feels she’s not.
In dealing with couples where this is a false issue, I find that most of what the man views as disrespect is more about his perception than her intent. He reads disrespect into something and that becomes his truth regardless of what she meant. Then her denial that she is being disrespectful is seen as lying, which is also disrespectful. The poor wife is left with a no-win situation. The only way to calm him down is to apologise for something she didn’t do. In other words, either she lies or he is angry, grumpy, or worse.
I suspect a great deal of this comes from the man’s growing up years and differences in his family of origin and her family of origin.
If he felt slighted as a child, by his parents, his siblings, or at school, he can be hypersensitive and see disrespect where it doesn’t exist.
Laughter can mean many things and tends to differ by family. For her, it may be a stress relief tool, while he sees it as disrespect.
Gestures like sticking out the tongue or rolling one’s eyes can have different meanings to different people and some women may do these as a loving thing, meaning no disrespect.
Certain phrases that are a way of expressing concern, may be received as disrespectful. For example, she might say “Poor baby” and mean it as compassion but he hears it as belittling.
If interrupting someone was considered rude when he was a child, but it was an accepted part of a lively conversation in her family, then he will see her interruptions as disrespect when in fact she is trying to engage with him.
If he is unsure of himself, a man may find his wife questioning him as disrespectful.
Some men feel their wife is not respecting them if she fails to back him up in a group. However, other men will see such support as disrespectful because he “does not need a woman’s help”.
Silence after he says something will be seen as disrespect to some men, while others may see it as acceptance/agreement and thus respectful.
If you accuse your wife of disrespect or feel she is guilty of it, more than a couple of times a year, I suggest you think, pray and discuss this issue. Odds are at least some of what you’re calling disrespect is not intended as such. If you can identify areas where you and your wife feel differently about something being disrespectful, it’s reasonable to ask her to change. It is also reasonable to realise that she will do what comes naturally at times, even if she is trying to change. That “slip” is not disrespect, it’s habit.
By the way, accusing her of disrespect when it’s not true makes you look stupid and that causes her to lose respect for you. So, a false accusation here can result in the very thing you don’t want!
Disrespect is not in the eyes of the beholder and any man who thinks it is will be very difficult to live with.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey | Developing thick skin ◄ A good thing for your marriage.
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