Does Your Wife Feel You Are Trying To Make Her Someone Else Sexually?
The Generous Husband
One more post on the struggle to be ourselves and the fear we feel when someone tries to make us someone else. Today let’s talk about sex.
We have a lot of folks telling us who we should and should not be sexually. The world wants us to be ready to do anything with anyone and some Christians don’t want us to enjoy sex very much or very often, even in marriage. Men and women get different messages on this, but it’s ugly both ways. Many men have been told having a penis makes them a monster and some worry there is some truth to that. This and the other lies we’ve been told make us defensive and sometimes that comes out as aggression. Other times we become less sexual out of fear and confusion.
Most women grew up being told that being “too sexual” made them bad. Where the line was depended on their family and others around them, but even in the world, girls who have too many partners or enjoy sex “too much” are shamed and looked down on.
So, when you complain about who your wife is sexually or what she won’t do, you’re pushing against all of that. You’re not telling her to be a slut or act immoral, but her fears can cause her to hear you saying that. If you want her to go beyond vanilla she may react out of her fears without ever considering if what you’re proposing might be enjoyable. Lingerie can also provoke this; I’ve heard plenty of women say the sexy thing he wants her to wear makes her feel he wants her to act like a prostitute or a porn star. Sex toys can invoke the same “good girls don’t” thinking.
The other side of this is you assuming she is rejecting something for such reasons, when in fact she just doesn’t like the sound of it. If you assume she is reacting based on fear or peer pressure and think you can change her mind by pushing, you violate her trust and make her feel her desires mean nothing to you.
Then there’s the fact that many men think if she did it once, she should continue to do it. Some men pressure their wife for oral sex or some other act she dislikes because they know she did it with another man before they were together. Never mind she didn’t enjoy it; some other guy got it, so she owes it to him! Other women won’t risk trying something because if they dislike it they know hubby will push for it all the more once she’s done it once.
Odds are your wife doesn’t know who she is sexually. But she doesn’t want you trying to tell her who she is or trying to make her into what you want her to be.
Let me close by reframing something I said on Wednesday. What if your wife saw you as her protector, a man who would stand up for her right to be who she is sexually? What if she knew you would go out of your way to help her have the kind of sex her heart desires? What if she knew you’re willing to sometimes sacrifice so she can be the sexual woman she feels she is? She might still react to you based on her past, but when she got past that knee jerk reaction she would know you’re not the kind of man who expects her to fit into his idea of great sex. That would take the fight out of her and it would make it possible to have a reasoned discussion about your sex life.
A post worth reading:
Dr. Corey | True ecstasy ◄ “This happens, for example, when we believe our desires for passionate ecstasy are actually perverted…”
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The post Does Your Wife Feel You Are Trying To Make Her Someone Else Sexually? appeared first on The Generous Husband.
