Another divorce (Lysa TerKeurst of Proverbs 31 ministries) part 2 redux
Christianity and masculinity
The another divorce post I made in 2017 on Proverb’s 31 ministry’s Lysa TerKeurst has an update (h/t Deti). It’s currently the most commented post on my blog, mainly because tons of trolls came out of the woodwork when I criticized that at the very least she shouldn’t be in ministry anymore.
Any man who can’t keep his household in order (even a wayward wife) should not be in ministry per 1 Timothy 3 qualifications of elders and deacons. Regardless of if you believe women should be leaders in ministry or not, you’d think that women would be held to the same standard.
To reiterate: now that the divorce is happening again she shouldn’t be in ministry.
To recap the previous post the situation seems to be:
Art TerKeurst seems to have some substance abuse problems and cheated
Lysa TerKeurst filed for divorce in 2017
Supposedly 1 year later they tried to reconcile (which I gave her props for).
Since then all seemed well until she filed for divorce again
To update the situation, Christian Post supposedly has more details.
A recent court filing has shed light on the divorce proceedings between Proverbs 31 Ministries founder Lysa TerKeurst and her husband, Art, including evidence the latter spent over $100,000 of the couple’s money on an “illicit sexual” extramarital affair with a woman he met online.
Lysa TerKeurst filed for divorce in December 2021 and publicly announced her decision in January, revealing her husband of nearly three decades had engaged in “chosen patterns of behavior that dishonor God and the biblical covenant of marriage.” The couple has five adult children together.
In 2017, TerKeurst revealed she would be pursuing a divorce from her husband due to his infidelity and struggles with addiction. At the time, she wrote he had “been repeatedly unfaithful to me with a woman he met online” and was abusing substances. However, the couple renewed their vows just over a year later after working to restore their marriage.
In her latest divorce announcement, TerKeurst said her husband had “broken” those renewed vows.
In February, Art TerKeurst filed a response to the divorce petition, requesting post-separation support, alimony, an equitable division of property, damages and the rescission of a post-nuptial agreement, Ministry Watch reported.
He claimed that he signed the post-nuptial agreement under duress, at a time when he was suicidal and preparing to enter a treatment facility for alcoholism. Art TerKeurst argued that after he finished treatment for his addictions and the couple renewed their vows, he believed the post-nuptial agreement was invalidated as part of their “fresh start.”
Though admitting he’d engaged in “illicit sexual behavior” prior to the post-nuptial agreement, he claimed to have been a “faithful and dutiful spouse” ever since. Seeking post-separation support, Terkeurst said he is “actually and substantially dependent upon [his] wife for his maintenance and support,” adding the does not possess the “financial ability or adequate resources” to meet his accustomed standard of living.
But in April, Lysa TerKeurst entered a motion to dismiss Art’s counterclaims, a request to compel arbitration and a reply to his allegations, according to Ministry Watch.
In her filing, the ministry leader said her husband freely agreed to the post nuptial agreement and voluntarily withdrew from the alcohol treatment program without completing it. She claimed his allegations of being suicidal were false, and that Art TerKeurst had exhibited “narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies” over the years.
The Forgiving What You Can’t Forget author claimed that the couple “maintained completely separate financial accounts pursuant to the post-nuptial agreement” even after reconciling, and said that post-separation support and alimony ought to be denied due to her husband’s infidelity.
The filing also includes text messages between Art TerKeurst and “Mistress X.” He allegedly met the woman on the website SugarDaddy.com and spent at least $118,000 of the TerKeursts’ money on the relationship. Expenses included paying for the mistress to move from Atlanta to Charlotte, North Carolina, and buying her a “pre-engagement left hand ring.”
In her January divorce announcement, the 52-year-old said she’d fought “really hard to not just save my marriage but to survive the devastation of what consistent deception of one spouse does to the other.”
“It’s brutal and heart crushing to constantly fear the hurtful choices of someone you love. I’ve had to learn the hard way there’s a big difference between mistakes (which we all make) and chosen patterns of behavior that dishonor God and the biblical covenant of marriage.”
In an April Instagram post, the ministry leader shared an update with her followers, reflecting on the moment she said, “No more. No more devastation. No more betrayal. No more being lied to. No more.”
“Sometimes ‘no more’ means implementing good boundaries that will help hold each person accountable to healthier relational patterns,” she wrote.
“Sometimes ‘no more’ means acknowledging a heartbreaking reality that wise counsel has helped you see is no longer sustainable. Both dynamics require that we pursue healing. We need solid truth from God’s word to help guide and direct us. We need a godly professional counselor who is specifically trained to educate, comfort, and challenge us.”
In short,
Supposedly after they reconciled Lysa made him sign a post-nupital agreement
Art contests that he has remain a dutiful spouse since then, though Lysa alleges that there are text messages between him and a mistress and that he spent over 100k on her
Art is supposedly ““actually and substantially dependent upon [his] wife for his maintenance and support,” adding the does not possess the “financial ability or adequate resources” to meet his accustomed standard of living.”
There’s two big things here of note.
The first being who is able to spend over 100k from their finances and the other spouse not notice it until then? Lysa is not aware of her finances such that her husband can just drop 6 figures before she even notices? Something doesn’t add up here. I’ll come back to this later.
The second is the irony of the almost comical inversion of roles in the marriage.
Lysa is the one in big time ministry. Lysa is the breadwinner. Lysa is the one leading the marriage, and the one who wanted the post-nupital agreement. Art is acting as the scorned and cheating wife who would claim that her husband has no time for her. Art wants alimony to support his standard of living.
Of course, we can also see the double standard. If a Christian man wanted his wife to sign a pre-nup or post-nup pretty much all Christians whether liberal or conservative would jump down his throat and condemn him. If a Christian wife cheated on her husband, there are many Christian denominations today that would jump to support the wife and excuse her behavior: ‘the husband clearly wasn’t loving her enough so she cheated.’
Deti comments similarly:
Evidence that Christian women marry and divorce just like nonChristian women. To wit: Lysa and Art reconcile; but Lysa makes Art sign a postnup (presumably limiting Art’s access to Lysa’s income and/or limiting/eliminating his right to alimony if they divorce, and requiring that they arbitrate any post-agreement divorce proceedings). Lysa presses with the divorce. Art asks for an “equitable” property division, and for alimony, stating that he’s financially dependent on Lysa. Art asks that the postnup be torn up because he signed it under duress and he believed the postnup was invalidated by their reconciliation and “fresh start”.
Lysa argues that Art was a cheat, a drunk, and a sociopath who didn’t complete alcohol treatment. She has asked the court to enforce the postnup and to compel arbitration. She argues Art isn’t entitled to alimony because he cheated on her. (Funny – there are tons of men paying alimony to wives who cheated on them. In the current iteration of divorce law, parties are entitled to property division and spousal support “without regard to the parties’ conduct”, which means “it doesn’t matter if he cheated; if the law and circumstance gives him a right to alimony, then he has a right to it”.)
Lessons:
1) Christians litigate their divorces just like everyone else.
2) Witness the demonization of the husband (as always happens) and the lionization/canonization of the wife – even in Christian media covering Christian “ministers”
If Lysa and Art were divorcing in my state, Art would be entitled to lifetime alimony, at least under the law’s technical requirements. That law is not applied uniformly as between men and women. If a woman asks for alimony, she almost always gets it. If a man asks for alimony, he is routinely laughed out of court and told to get a job.
Now, obviously none of us condone Art’s apparent substance abuse and cheating and supposed misuse of finances, but Lysa is clearly not really handling this in a Christian manner either especially with litigation and continuing in ministry.
Why would she want to turn off the money maker though? Heh.
How much of this is due to the influence of inversion of roles and the wife out-earning the husband?
Typically, there is a much higher risk of divorce when a woman out-earns a man. In real life, women are not attracted to men they out-earn. In many cases, they won’t even date them or if they find out their relationship starts to sour. However, in this case Lysa was married to Art. This is predictable behavior confirmed by studies.
Studies also show that when a wife out-earns her husband, he is more likely to cheat. In fact, about 15% of the men in a study by the American Sociological Review who were 100% financially dependent on their wives had affairs. That’s three times higher than the 5% of high-earning wives who strayed, the study showed.
The above article suggests the main reason for him cheating is that a man can feel emasculated and his self-esteem can take a hit by being out-earned by a wife, and sometimes that is true. However, it’s also a favorite feminist shaming tactic, which is why it cannot be fully trusted. What is also true is that the disrespect from the wife toward her husband for out-earning him is also prevalent but less talked about because it’s not flattering to women.
Doing some google-fu, Proverbs 31 ministry started 30 years ago (1992) which directly coincides with Art and Lysa’s 30 year marriage. What seems likely is that the as the ministry grew bigger and bigger this changed the relations and roles in the marriage over time. This has all of the trappings of the typical husband-wife cheating scenario, except with the inversion of roles.
What typically happens is that the husband gets so caught up in ministry he supposedly ‘neglects’ his wife. This turns into a cycle where she starts to feels neglected and lose respect for him and since she starts to disrespect him then he turns more of his time to ministry. This destructive cycle continues until she turns to other emotional outlets which leads to an emotional affair and cheating
What happens in the opposite case is a woman’s career (Proverbs 31 ministry) starts to take off. Since she is now out-earning her husband she starts to lose respect for him. This subtly changes her stance toward him where she starts to be more disrespectful to him and he starts to withdraw from the situation. Her earning more than him can make him feel emasculated as well which contributes to the negative feedback loop. His withdraw from the disrespect is generally interpreted by the wife as a ‘lack of leadership’ which means she probably throws more time into the ministry and this leads to the similar destructive cycle above. This continues until the husband cheats or divorces or the husband does, or it becomes some type of impotent sexless marriage.
Lysa’s divorce litigation seems pretty much like a woman scorned. A woman who respects her husband would never do this. Couple that with Art supposedly cheating and spending 100k without her noticing and things don’t really add up. It seems likely that she was intentionally waiting until she had enough evidence so she could win her court case. Not that I blame her, but it is clearly not the Christian thing to do either. What is 100k lost if you can get out of alimony when your ministry annual revenue is over $6-7 million and nets over $1 million per year.
How much the inversion of roles (disrespect and/or emasculation) and her out earning him contributed to the divorce we may never know… but the likelihood is a lot. We know that when women cheat they are already checked out of the relationship (disrespect), but when men cheat they usually aren’t checked out and can make the marriage work. However, in this case it’s hard to say because substance abuse can confound things substantially.
Also, this is not to say that a wife earning more than her husband is wrong, but Christians need to take care that if this does happen the wife must respect her husband and the husband must love his wife despite any feelings that may tempt them toward divorce otherwise. Obey the Bible.
Update: https://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2008/september/i-had-abortion.html
Did a bit of digging and basically their past has:
Sex before marriage
Abortion
Shotgun marriage after abortion
Cycles of disrespect-anger dysfunction from both
Not surprised this ended in divorce 30+ years later. I highly doubt Lysa is innocent in this divorce either given their history.
